What Are You Doing Here?

IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU HAVEN'T REALIZED WE'VE MOVED TO WORDPRESS.

THE ALL NEW REPRESS YOURSELF

Better Than Flying

I decided today that if I could have a super power I would want to have the ability to know what I wanted to eat for dinner.

Forever.

Think of all the time and energy I'd save, not having to think about it for seven hours until I'm either so hungry that I eat whatever is readily available (cereal), or not able to muster the strength to figure it out and just skip eating altogether.

When I figure out a foolproof system, I am gonna make a billion dollars. You're welcome, America.

These Modern Socks!

This is a conversation I had via AIM today

Fishboy: I just got a TM* that the p'zone is back
Kittenpants: excuse me?
Kittenpants: the pizza calzone?
Fishboy: best food name ever created
Kittenpants: wow.
Kittenpants: someone texted you that?
Fishboy: yep
Kittenpants: and then you IMmed me.
Fishboy: yep
Kittenpants: that makes this the saddest use of technology, ever.

Reminds me of the time I went on tour with Corn Mo and The Polyphonic Spree. I was only joining him for a few days, so at one point, I went back home to NYC and Corn Mo kept going on the tour. A few hours after we parted ways he called me. I was in the mountains somewhere in North or South Carolina and there was no reception, so the cell phone kept disconnecting. Eventually I had to pull off the highway and into a town where I could call him back. Turns out he was just calling to let me know that he tried the new (at the time) McGriddle, and that it totally ruled.

*TM=Text Message

Not Exactly Wonder Years

I'm in a mood. So I have been procrastinating work in favor of wandering around the internet. I read Cory Kennedy's blog today for like the 2nd time ever. If you ever feel like you totally partied in high school, and you're not Cory Kennedy, then you're wrong. Read her blog, and then read your old high school journal, and see how they compare. Here's Cory's typical week:

thursday i did some nylon tv stuff, and ate dinner with michael and ana... on friday i went to go see morrissey @ the hollywood bowl with my most favorite person andy neuhuse. i had the greatest time ive had in months. i really did... most amazing seats, most amazing company, and most amazing music... all happening at the same time... later today im gonna head over to the fader mag party. probably with jenny. tomorrow is the a.p.c. store opening in l.a. this saturday at the hollywood forever cemetery is rebel without a cause. so that should be rad...

I didn't have a blog when I was 16, because back then, the internet was just a gleam in Al Gore's eye. But if I DID have a blog, a typical post may have read something like this:

sat - went to tom thumb and walmart with mom, shes like "noooooo you can't get Finesse conditioner, its too expensive!!!" so i settled for the suave. on sun, me and carol watched Dream a Little Dream and ate homemade french fries. Mon, late for geo. so I faked cramps. my econ paper is due tomorrow and I don't have the bibliography yet... guess I'll miss "A Different World" - unless Dad can figure out how to work the VCR...

Not ONE reference to a concert, fashion show, night club, or media-sponsored event attended.

I'm not saying I didn't go to parties or concerts when I was 17. I did, if by "parties" you mean "hanging out at the beach 10 blocks from my house drinking wine coolers with the kids from my school until curfew" and if by "concerts" you mean "concert." Certainly nothing that required being on a list, or knowing a magazine publisher or fashion photographer.

I'm really not jealous of the Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans of the world. But I might like to have Cory Kennedy's VIP pass and a time machine.

Bible Belt - Tighter Than Ever

When I lived in NYC I encountered so few conservatives, I forgot what it was like to discuss things with them in the workplace. Now that I'm in Texas, I am reminded, and it's kind of frustrating to be in the liberal-minded minority. A co-worker and I sort of got into it during a meeting today. We typically get along and I respect his right to a difference in opinions. Plus I realize that the office is really not the place to go head to head, but I wanted to so badly it hurt.

We work for a client who markets to the GBLT community (I realize that technically its GLBT, but I enjoy thinking of it as Gay Bacon Lettuce and Tomato). And while discussing this client, my co-worker relayed a story about how some people from his church booked a family vacation to Disneyland and have since found out that their vacation will take place during "gay week" at Disneyland. And apparently the mom sobbed herself silly for like 48 hours straight (NPI) when she heard the news. And he sympathized with that reaction. And I just thought, "Why?"

I mean, first of all, that's seriously a ridiculous overreaction. Its not like that means Goofy and Pluto are going to be wearing leather assless chaps and simulating fellatio on a pirate ship. For the most part, it'll mean same sex parents will be trotting around with their adopted children and the lines will be shorter.

But my co-worker's defense was, "It is HARD to explain to your 6-year-old when two dudes are going at it in front of you."

Is it? I mean, seriously, is it that hard? It may have been hard to explain in 1807, but now? I think you've had plenty of time to come up with a reasonable explanation. I mean, if you can't come up with an something to satisfy a 6-year-old, with all of the wonders of Disneyland to distract him, you really don't have any right being a parent. I can think of at least three explanations off the top of my head that even the conservatiest of conservatives could use:

Those boys are silly!

"Some grownups like to do that."

"Hey look over there!"

And that's where I REALLY have trouble relating to conservatives - when they use "the children" to make their case. Children have questions - its your job to answer them. You can't control every single situation in the world in order to avoid discussing things with your kids. And most of the time, your kids care so very little about the things you love to blow out of proportion.

I dated a guy in college who once was asked by another patron to leave a Chili's for wearing a Big Black tshirt that said "songs about fucking" and had a picture of an arrow penetrating a circle. This guy made a huge scene about how he brought his family to that restaurant and how my friend was going to have to leave. When he didn't, the guy tried to get the mnager to make him leave, and eventually stormed off with his family in tow. Ironically, his kids never would have noticed the shirt if their Dad hadn't made a big scene about it.

Its not my job to change your mind about shit, or to tell you how to raise your kids. Just like its not your job to tell gay people when they can and can't feel each other up on the Teacup ride. If you want your kid to never see or interact with gay people, then you should never let them outside, and especially avoid television, books, radio, Boy Scouts, summer camp, and church.

TO THE 4TH NEW CEO OF THIS COMPANY TO COME ALONG IN 13 MONTHS

Dear Sir or Madam:

This morning, as the 3rd new CEO of this company to come along in the past 10 months was being introduced, it dawned on me that your position here is just around the corner, and I wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your new job! As you know, we are all fond of Tammy, this quarter's new CEO, but I'm sure that the reasons behind her inevitable dismissal/"moving on" will be unavoidable. She will be missed! But we look forward to April, and your new era of tough, but efficient leadership.

As you are CEO-material, I'm sure you believe you are fully competent to come in to this company and take charge. But please, let my vast experience with perpetually short-term CEOs be of some assistance to you. I've created the following list of items which I feel may save you some of your precious, precious time.

1. The "Get to Know You Speech". Save yourself the trouble of writing it down, or memorizing, or thinking about it at all. It goes like this:

"I just wanted to take some time out of my busy schedule of running personal errands and yammering on about my freakishly ugly and untalented children to say hello to everyone in person, as a group, so that I don't have to address you individually by name, which I will most certainly have forgotten by 11 minutes from now. No, let me rephrase; 11 minutes ago.

I know that you all have been going through a lot of changes over the past year, but don't let the ineffectiveness of the last CEO color your attitude towards the company, or me, as I will need your full cooperation if I am to miraculously decipher which of these is a hole in the wall, and which of these is my ass. Anyone?

My experience in this industry has enabled me to come up with ridiculously simple solutions to this company's financial struggles, that frankly, I'm surprised you haven't already thought of. Oh, you have? Well, let me assure you that I will take your proposals and hurriedly put them into action in such a way they are doomed to fail, prompting your quick dismissal. But before I go, I promise to convince the investors to spend a couple million on me, for which I'm sure you'll find it worth giving up your annual raise (again) and Christmas bonus (as if!).

Now who's office am I taking?"

2. The "I Want You To Tell Me What's Wrong With This Company" email. Let's not bother the temps, making them type up an email in which you ask us to list our ten most pressing issues and possible solutions, in order to catch you up with our current state of affairs. You'll find them filed in Tammy's desk in a folder called "A Total Waste of Time" and cross referenced under "Pretending to Care." And let's be honest: you'll never read them.

3.Phrases that you may feel the need to use:

"My door is always open." Say this as often as you like, to create the illusion of openness and trust. We all know that you'll never be on the other side of that door, and it's perfectly understandable. Especially during golf season.

"Put it in writing!" This is a great way to avoid having to listen to any of us in person, which would create some kind of relationship that might make one feel an emotion when you leave us in three months. Eww.

"Going forward,…" implies that you will be here to see anything through. Ha ha! I know, I know. But it works.

"I'd like to see the numbers on that." My personal favorite, as this one enables me to set aside any actual work to compile miles of reports for you to pretend to be intrigued by, only to ask me to re-create them again in a month when your job is on the line, and again in two months, as you are preparing things for your successor.

4. Finally, please don't bother to make a key for yourself, or learn the alarm codes for the building. You won't be here any earlier or later than any other employee, and it saves us the trouble of having to change the locks when your incompetent ass is shown the sidewalk.

Welcome aboard, and I hope that the next three months is the opportunity you've been waiting for to vie for an equally unchallenging yet higher-paying position at another company.

Sincerely,
Fuck Off.

What Is Happening?

Today the people in my section of the office were talking about this smell. It smelled like orange and we were all wondering what it could be.

Me: Smells like baby aspirin.
Coworker1: Yeah, or like medicinal toothpaste. It's kind of orange-y.
Me: Maybe someone has a fruit scented candle at their desk?
Coworker2: Or sprayed some air freshener or something.

It was an orange.

It never occured to us that the "orange scent" we were smelling would come from an actual orange.

It was so great, too. cause one girl goes, "Well, Katie has an orange on her desk. Think that could be it?" like she still wasn't sure. We're all trying to figure out the smell and the whole time she's looking at the orange on Katie's desk.