Repress Yourself

Tired of paying hundreds of dollars in therapy? Fed up with prescription pill addictions and office furniture couch-sores? Has your psychologist stopped seeing you since you made a pass at him? Or maybe you're an amateur analyst and are looking for a chance to gain experience as an advice columnist. Bloggers: substitute these posts for therapy sessions and readers: comment away.

08 March 2007


Dear Sir or Madam:

This morning, as the 3rd new CEO of this company to come along in the past 10 months was being introduced, it dawned on me that your position here is just around the corner, and I wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your new job! As you know, we are all fond of Tammy, this quarter's new CEO, but I'm sure that the reasons behind her inevitable dismissal/"moving on" will be unavoidable. She will be missed! But we look forward to April, and your new era of tough, but efficient leadership.

As you are CEO-material, I'm sure you believe you are fully competent to come in to this company and take charge. But please, let my vast experience with perpetually short-term CEOs be of some assistance to you. I've created the following list of items which I feel may save you some of your precious, precious time.

1. The "Get to Know You Speech". Save yourself the trouble of writing it down, or memorizing, or thinking about it at all. It goes like this:
"I just wanted to take some time out of my busy schedule of running personal errands and yammering on about my freakishly ugly and untalented children to say hello to everyone in person, as a group, so that I don't have to address you individually by name, which I will most certainly have forgotten by 11 minutes from now. No, let me rephrase; 11 minutes ago.

I know that you all have been going through a lot of changes over the past year, but don't let the ineffectiveness of the last CEO color your attitude towards the company, or me, as I will need your full cooperation if I am to miraculously decipher which of these is a hole in the wall, and which of these is my ass. Anyone?

My experience in this industry has enabled me to come up with ridiculously simple solutions to this company's financial struggles, that frankly, I'm surprised you haven't already thought of. Oh, you have? Well, let me assure you that I will take your proposals and hurriedly put them into action in such a way they are doomed to fail, prompting your quick dismissal. But before I go, I promise to convince the investors to spend a couple million on me, for which I'm sure you'll find it worth giving up your annual raise (again) and Christmas bonus (as if!).

Now who's office am I taking?"

2. The "I Want You To Tell Me What's Wrong With This Company" email. Let's not bother the temps, making them type up an email in which you ask us to list our ten most pressing issues and possible solutions, in order to catch you up with our current state of affairs. You'll find them filed in Tammy's desk in a folder called "A Total Waste of Time" and cross referenced under "Pretending to Care." And let's be honest: you'll never read them.

3.Phrases that you may feel the need to use:
"My door is always open." Say this as often as you like, to create the illusion of openness and trust. We all know that you'll never be on the other side of that door, and it's perfectly understandable. Especially during golf season.

"Put it in writing!" This is a great way to avoid having to listen to any of us in person, which would create some kind of relationship that might make one feel an emotion when you leave us in three months. Eww.

"Going forward,…" implies that you will be here to see anything through. Ha ha! I know, I know. But it works.

"I'd like to see the numbers on that." My personal favorite, as this one enables me to set aside any actual work to compile miles of reports for you to pretend to be intrigued by, only to ask me to re-create them again in a month when your job is on the line, and again in two months, as you are preparing things for your successor.

4. Finally, please don't bother to make a key for yourself, or learn the alarm codes for the building. You won't be here any earlier or later than any other employee, and it saves us the trouble of having to change the locks when your incompetent ass is shown the sidewalk.

Welcome aboard, and I hope that the next three months is the opportunity you've been waiting for to vie for an equally unchallenging yet higher-paying position at another company.

Fuck Off.