Repress Yourself

Tired of paying hundreds of dollars in therapy? Fed up with prescription pill addictions and office furniture couch-sores? Has your psychologist stopped seeing you since you made a pass at him? Or maybe you're an amateur analyst and are looking for a chance to gain experience as an advice columnist. Bloggers: substitute these posts for therapy sessions and readers: comment away.

19 October 2005

You like sex. Okay. I get it.

KP: Don't you think this whole trend of girls writing frankly about sex is getting a little tired?
Me: OMG - YES! I'm glad I wasn't the only one to notice. Seems like every other day some lady writer wants to tell the world how awesome she is at sucking dicks. I get it. We're impressed. You've shocked the prudes and intrigued the dudes. Mission accomplished. Now try writing something that isn't (A) Boring, (B) Overdone and (C) Probably a lie.

KP: Don't you have something about blowjobs in your Kittenpants bio?
Me: Okay, yes. But I wrote that five years ago before every vagina-with-a-typewriter came along and decided to do the same.

KP: So you don't like that women write about sex, or you're mad that they're stepping onto your turf?
ME: No, no. It's not my turf. Someone else claimed this turf long before me.

KP: But some people would consider you to have a sexual tone to your writing.
ME: Whatever. I guess it's part of my sense of humor. I make an occasional joke about BJs. I don't write essays and books about fellatio-as-an-art form, or anything.

KP: Why not?
ME: Are you paying attention? Because it's done. It's over. It's boring and doesn't impress anyone anymore. Maybe women think they need to write about sex in order to gain any sort of notoriety. I disagree. I admire people for being sexually frank, but if you're not offering anything new to the conversation--any sort of new perspective, then what's the point. Remember when Will and Grace came on the air and got all kinds of attention? Then the other networks tried to come up with copycat shows. So they're like, "Hey! It's John Goodman. Remember? From Roseanne. And he's gay!! Isn't that funny? Huh? He's GAY! Ha ha ha ha ha! Get it?"

Only they didn't get it because it wasn't funny. Just being gay isn't funny. You have to be funny first, then gay. Or something.

KP: I don't watch Will and Grace.
ME: (Sigh...) I know. Okay, listen. You know how you want to give Margaret Cho some sort of props but every time you watch her stand up you are incredulous that anyone is laughing?

KP: Yes! Because--
ME: Because all she does is mention something nostalgic and the audience laughs their asses off. Like she says, "I was watching Three's Company. Remember Three's Company?!!!" And then everyone dies laughing.

KP: I know!! What the fuck? Yes I remember Three's Company. And...?!
ME: Right. Well it's sort of like that. Like now all these women are like, "HEY I WROTE THIS ARTICLE ABOUT BLOW JOBS!" and then people go "Aw no you di-int!! Girl! You are SASSY!" And then everyone takes turns patting each other on the back until eventually, someone's hand penetrates someone else's rib cage resulting in some sort of tragic, painful death.

Well, that's how it happens when I imagine it, anyway.

KP: I guess you're right. It is really getting tired. Like making fun of hipsters, or "clever" haikus, or putting a question mark after "The End." Or interviewing yourself. HA! HA! What a stupid and pointless waste of time. Hilarious.
ME: Exactly.

The End?

This is what it's like to live inside my brain.


At 11:21 AM, Blogger Matthew said...

Aw no you di-int!! Girl! You are SASSY!


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