Repress Yourself

Tired of paying hundreds of dollars in therapy? Fed up with prescription pill addictions and office furniture couch-sores? Has your psychologist stopped seeing you since you made a pass at him? Or maybe you're an amateur analyst and are looking for a chance to gain experience as an advice columnist. Bloggers: substitute these posts for therapy sessions and readers: comment away.

28 March 2005


My shelves sag with a vast and varied assortment of books, CDs, comics, etc., and, like all media junkies, I'm goofily proud of those collections. These are things selectively chosen according to my unique tastes, actively acquired, and purposefully saved and displayed. Just like a normal, functioning person.

These pictures do not reflect those things.

[Caveat: I have a roommate who is equally crazy/lazy, thus 50% guilty.]

I've been meaning to buy some twine. I'm pretty sure there's a ball of it somewhere.

You see, I read a newspaper every day, but recycling comes only Fridays. I usually remember this on Saturdays. Then Sundays, the newspaper is extra thick. And so on. I don't want these newspapers in my apartment anymore. I just haven't had the time or energy to bundle them up and haul them downstairs. If anyone wants to do this for me, I'll pay you twelve dollars.
Also in dire need of packaging and taking the hell out of here are all these unprocessed nickels.
Yes, and the ones hiding beneath the sink, too.
The Laundromat returns my shirts on these cheap wire hangers. I've now got a hanger-to-shirt ratio of like twelve to one. I think I might throw a party in the wintertime just so I can hang up everyone's coat.
If you're the type who winds up with lots of unintentional collections of tiny things (where do I put all these movie-ticket stubs?), then cigar boxes come in handy. Unfortunately, you then find yourself with a cigar-box colony.
And lots of coffee cans for containing things like hundreds and hundreds of pens, pencils, and markers, of which 90% have long since dried up, but really who has time to test hundreds of pens for ink?
I don't know when or why I dropped all these bottle caps in there. Maybe I thought I was going to do some stupid art project or something? I can't throw them away because I think there's some charity that will give a sick little girl a new kidney only if you mail them ten billion bottle caps.
Yes, the Leaning Tower of Pizza. I'm sorry, but I think just this once, the most hackneyed pun in history is actually apropos.

Again, that Friday recycling thing passes us by. Anyway, La Rondine makes a hell of a good slice of Sicilian.


At 11:09 AM, Blogger kittenpants said...

In college, my roommate and I had only to carry the garbage from the house to the front lawn on a given day, and had two opportunities per week to get rid of our garbage. Instead, it piled up first in the kitchen, later on the back porch (right outside the kitchen) until the stench and mess was bad enough to motivate us to drag it to the curb.

There was a sanitation workers' strike the summer after I moved to New York. Every time I would catch a whiff of rotting garbage I would think fondly of home and my former roommate.

I'm not proud - just saying it could be worse.

At 11:42 AM, Blogger kittenpants said...

My friend Sally can turn those bottle caps into castanets. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is seriously the most fun thing to do with your fingers since smoking was invented.

At 7:38 PM, Blogger dog food sugar said...

You could make some tap shoes out of those bottle caps also and then go outside and try to get people to give you tips for your fancy dancing.

At 2:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude! Take out your garbage! Pizza boxes are not good for recylcling anyway. And you are attracting vermin into your home. Tape a note to your pillow or something to remind yourself. And that paper is a fire-hazard.

At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh My God! Thank you!!! You are so honest. I feel so much better about my place right now. At least every week or so the garbage goes out the door. My real problems are closer to the pen thing- I'd rather store than test & I am afraid to throw stuff away if I might be able to use it later. Which is impossible because I have junk like old magazines all over my workspace. It is bad. But no pizza boxes!


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